The hardest part so far…

Hello there dear readers. I haven’t written in so long and I really have needed to but here’s the problem; I can write on and on ad nauseum about what is happening TO me but ask me to describe what is going on IN me and I’m stuck. In order to at least get the ball rolling I’ll start with what’s happening to me and see if I can’t begin to unpack some of the other.

I have been getting new boob fill-ups once a week. Each Monday I got another 50ml. I am finally full up to  600ml in each expander and I am DONE. All of you who are not scientists can think of 50ml as about a 1/4 of a cup. This might not seem like much but it’s purpose is to stretch muscle and to grow more skin to make room for my new perkies so every 50ml feels like a turn on the rack. Each fill stretches and makes the places where those muscles attach to bones ache. It feels for a coupe of days after like there is an invisible belt around my ribcage that doesn’t allow me a full breath. This gives me those nightmares like drowning or suffocating. Mental response to my bodies physical stress. The first few fills were pretty easy. An hour or two of soreness that could be quelled by some ibuprofen and a lie down. They had become increasingly painful to the point where I had to take the last two days off of work to feel well again. Oof! I am so happy to be done with that part.

The next part is the final surgery. This is scheduled for February 20th. There are not words to describe how anxious I am to not have these horrible giant man pecs any longer. Man pecs with the most amazing looking side-boobs! Since there is a ton of scar tissue towards the front of my breasts the expanders have been growing and stretching my skin out to the sides and not so much forward. The front parts have a squarish appearance because of the scars. If you’ll remember from previous posts, hiding in my armpits is an absolutely unacceptable characteristic of the new boobs. These side boobs are so massive that they get in the way when I raise my arms or try to sleep on my side. The real trip there is that I have NO feeling in these monstrosities so when I lay on my side and my arms press them together I can only feel them with my arms. It feels very much like hugging a basketball. I don’t like sports that much! It has been promised to me that the plastic surgeons will break up the scar tissue and allow my new breasts to be more in front and that they will put stitches in to ensure that they don’t creep back into my pits. I can’t wait!

In other news I have been back to work now for a month and a half. Some days it feels good to be back, to be functional and useful. Some days I feel like I pushed myself to hard to get back into things and can get overwhelmed even with small tasks. I am trying to make myself understand that the mental process of healing from having cancer takes just as much work (if not more some days) as the physical healing. More importantly, the mental pain IS just as valid as the physical pain and needs to be cared for head on just as I have my post-surgical body. I have started to see a therapist who I hope can provide me with the tools I’ll need to put this whole mess where it goes. THIS is the hardest part.

I need to write about this part more and begin to get my head around it but I’ll try again another night.