Foreign bodies pt. 1

Well hello there fine friends!

Before I write anything else I want to share with all who have not yet heard that the pathology from my lymph nodes and left breast came back clear! They also got good clean margins around the tumor I did have so at this moment there is no cancer in me! This does not necessarily mean that I won’t need chemo and other treatments but it is great news all the same.

I am a lucky 13 days post surgery and happy to report that I am doing just fine. All of the horrible accoutrements of surgery have been removed. No more catheter (though that was out pretty fast), no more morphine baby (pain pump), no more grenades (wound drains). Free at last, free at last! Good gawd awmighy, I’m free at last!

For pain management without the “morphine baby” I was given dilaudid first and boy howdy did that ever do that trick! I was feelin no pain but it made me one dopey girl!

This was just perfect for right after surgery and really even for the first couple of days home. It was nice to take a mental vacation every 4 to 6 hours! Much like the best of vacations it rendered me slack faced and silly but even during the best of vacations one gets a little homesick. I switched over to good old vicodin which keeps the pain at bay while leaving me with my feet on the ground and my head floating only slightly above my body. Ahhh

I think I should take a minute here to explain what pain I am actually feeling because what is happening to (inside of) me right now is pretty fascinating. I feel a pretty extreme tightness around my upper chest like right below my collar bones stretching from one armpit to the other. Sort of like there is a belt cinched real tight around me. I also feel tightness in the fronts of both of my armpits. These are both caused by the implant spacers that have been inserted under each of my pectoral muscles. Each spacer has some saline in it right now which is actually stretching my pecs and skin to make room for my new boobs. When my incisions are healed enough (in another two weeks) my plastic surgeon will begin adding saline to them weekly until they are the size I want. Then he will open up these incisions one final time to change out the spacers for the silicone implants. My skin is also real tight over the spacers too which makes wearing clothes with seams pretty uncomfortable like a bad sunburn without the heat. I have a 2″ incision scar in my right armpit from where they removed my lymph nodes. That armpit stings most of the time. (Stinks too. No deodorant.) It is hard for me to lift that arm above my head right now but it gets a little easier every day. I am sore running down from my armpits to the bottom of my ribcage on both sides and I am to understand that this is because they had to make incisions in several muscles to slide these spacers in. Oh the things we do in the name of vanity, eh?!

As equally fascinating as where and why I do have pain is where I don’t have pain. I have a 3 1/4″ scar where my left breast used to be and a 3 1/2″ scar where my right breast used to be. I cannot feel these. I have NO sensation there at all. I can feel pressure somewhere back near my ribs if I press on them but I cannot feel about a 3″ band over each scar. I can feel my sternum though. It’s a very strange feeling and one that will take a long time to get used to.

I looked at many websites full of pictures of women with mastectomy scars to prepare myself for my own unveil. (Check out The Scar Project for some very beautifully done shots of proud survivors.) I hope that my fear of these scars came across in my previous post. I had resolved to embrace what ever was under the gauze but was still mighty scared.

I am so relieved to tell you, dear readers, that I am happy with my scars! They are even with each other, they are fairly symmetrical, they parallel the ground nicely and they seem to be healing very quickly. I feel so lucky! My dear friend and talented writer Becky Olson wrote, “Like sweet little cherry tomatoes that are so hot and juicy that they split skins in the sun. Such will be your scars.” This really resonated with me and is an image I continue to hold. Any of you friends who live close by and would like to see them I am proud to show you all these scars. I considered posting a pic of them here but for those who aren’t interested in seeing them for any reason I chose not to. I will have pictures to share with anyone who’d like to see though as soon as the steri-strips come off. Just ask! As I thought they might, these scars represent what I have been through and I am proud of that.

In closing this post I’d like to thank everyone who has been here for me. A huge thank you goes out to all who filled my hospital room with flowers, cards, candy and love. It was beautiful in there. Thank you to all who came to visit me in the hospital and take my mind off my surroundings. Thanks to all for their thoughts, prayers, well-wishes, positive energy, phone calls, texts and e-mails. Thank you to my housemates for being wonderful people. Yum and thanks to all who brought me food and especially to Diana who came and cooked us one of the best brunch meals I’ve ever eaten. Thank you so much to my boss who gave me the entire collection of Wes Anderson movies which have certainly sped my recovery.  I am so grateful to my mom, my sister, and my nephew for coming all the way from Colorado to busy my mind and body the weekend before surgery, to carry me all the way through to the other side, and to be there for my Jake too. Finally, I would not have made it to where I am without my love Jake who has been my nursemaid, my driver, my secretary and my hanky (snot and tears!) I have needed help laying down and sitting up, putting on seat belts, opening pill bottles, remembering pills and even pulling up my socks and he is there without judgement. There are not words in this or any other language that would be enough to express my gratitude.

Thank you.

Finally, I’ll leave you with this picture of me 10 days post double mastectomy.